Friday, April 29, 2011

A Wedding to Di for.

Something tells me Her Royal Highness, the Queen of England does not use the word 'bender'. I think people would like that stuffy old ladybird more if she did!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

You're Full of Shit, Psycho!

In honor of Donald Trump, a big old ugly piece of shit...

Sometimes, if your poops are too big, you have to do a little extra work to make them, uhm, go away. I think the best way to handle this situation is to fucking remain fucking calm. Stop the poop water from pouring out into the cat litter, cuss as you hurry to kick the rugs out of the way, yell at the cat who is trying to help, and cuss some more.

When the calm of the storm finally arrives, I like to sing this song at the top of my lungs...

While plunging the toilet with this... a manic, crazy kinda way. Bonus points for leaving the door open and smiling in a manic 'I really enjoy this' fashion. Extra bonus points for holding it, dripping poop water, at someones neck when they ask if you need any help.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Spinal Cracker

Today I pushed my way through two Zumba classes and a Boot Camp class. Then I played catch with Sweetheart. I feel so good and I feel so bad! I gotta get my body to keep up with my brain, it still thinks we can do this kinda thing! So much fun. So much Advil. A nice hot shower, please! And maybe a little of this to mend my mid-to-late half of my mid-to-late twenty something old lady bones.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Allergies Attack My Life!

It came out of nowhere. I was fine and watching Pregnant in Heels, and then BOOM! I can't breathe and my eye balls are gonna pop out and I am actively trying to gouge my sinus cavity. Allergy attacks make me look like a have a trout pout and a lazy eye. Sweetheart went to the store to get me medicines after midnight! This won him like, 3,816 best boyfriend points, and everybody knows you need that many to trade in for the good stuff. Less than that and you are stuck with Chinese finger traps and bulk candy from Oriental Trading. This is after a Singulair, a Zyrtec, and two Benedryl. I'm a drugged pollinated mess! Someone help my allergy woes!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Team Busy Bee. Team Llama.

I have been so busy! I haven't had time to keep this baby updated. And there has been so much! The following paragraph is my stream of conscience ramblings on what I would have blogged about if I had had time to blog:

I got asked to do a bit part in an upcoming movie, Shoplifting from American Apparel. I worked with this director before on the film The Human War and had a blast. I was also submitted for a JCPenny's commercial. I have been shopping there since I was an awkward teen in need of a business suit for DECA club and too chubby to find jackshit at the Limited Too. There is no reason why I shouldn't get cast. I consider it retribution for years of suffering in ugly ass clothes as a chubby young thing. Cudzoo is doing well. Can't wait to get in the studio. I got to visit with my forever friend Joe Pug. He's famous. You don't know him? You should. He will fix your soul. Fame's not making him an asshole, though. He was always an asshole. Dottie is doing better, she was a sick little kitten for a few days, but she still eats everything and gets tummy aches. She ate the straps off my tank top the other day. Brotherbear's band played at the Wildhorse Saloon in Nashville and killed it. He's kinda a big deal. I caught up with a great old college chumette. I discovered Sake. It fucks you up! I miss Quidditch because I'm always super busy on the weekends with weddings and rehearsals and life. I miss my broom and cape! Scream 4 was fun. As was Source Code and Insidious. It's warm enough to break out my vintage poncho. I figured out how to apply feather extensions. My kombucha is brewing steady. I need new sneakers. And tonight I am going to a Oh So Bad/Oh So Good Movie Screening Party of The Room. I can't wait!

Well, thats the jumbled update of my goings ons. Now to the gym. But not before I make your day/ruin your night with this sad, funny, not as sexy as a werewolf comparison pic:

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Jessie J, I Love You!

Jessie J will be performing at the PCRichard theater in NYC.
You should be there, too! She's so pretty!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Internet Dating

You're back! Hello, internet in my apartment. I missed you. I love you. Let's never be apart again! Wait, did you just check out that girl? What, just because you waltz back into my life you think you can look at other girls like that? No. No! Shut your mouthface! What? What! It's my nails isn't it? I knew I should have picked Firework and not High Heel. Fuck. I'm so stupid. Why do you want to spend your life with someone so stupid?! Maybe you should go ask that floozy out. Her skinny jeans and piercings suggest high intelligence. You think she's ugly? You're ugly. No you don't. You're just saying that. You do? You mean it? Really? I want to be with you, too. I know, but I told you I was crazy on our first date. I just missed you, is all. I love you, too. Don't. Don't look at her! I will cut that bitch. I missed you.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

I'm Not Loving It.

A few days ago, I got really REALLY pissed at Time Warner (because they are a rude, blood sucking, monopoly with stupid employees with bad attitudes), and canceled our service.

Direct TV is awesome.

We are still waiting on our new Verizon powered internet.

I tried to hook up my computer to a human-size hamster wheel, a phone jack, and a candle, but it didn't make internet. So I wait.

I am at a McDonald's right now for McWiFi. I have witnessed 3 fights involving the same drunk homeless man, the cops coming, an employee who shit in the bathroom for 42 minutes while the security man beat on the door (he thought he died) and a long line of angry customer formed, a gang of teenagers knock things over, and lots of questionable characters eating the Fish Filet special. I think they are only playing Taylor Swift and John Mayer songs.

This is what it must have been like in the old days!

Friday, April 1, 2011

A Fool for this Bag!

My dream bag in the Chanel classic 2.55. Large, double flap, gold hardware, please.
And I want it made out of beef jerky.

I want it filled with beef jerky! Made of lamb.