Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Casper meets Kubler-Ross

I remembered what a kid boner I had for Devon Sawa. I tried to name the family cat Devon Sawa. My family settled on Casper. Can I keep you? So, I googled...

This came up...

As well as this little slice of ruin my childhood pie...

NO! No, I do not want to keep you! What the hell happened!?!? Jesus, Sawa!

I became a shell of the happy little girl I used to be. What the fuck, Devon! I thought we had something special! Something that meant something. Then you go and get all ugly face without even asking. This is not ok. I don't love you any more! Shallow? Fickle? Bitchy? You bet your sweet little Canadian arse I am! Go back to being dreamy. NOW. I'm trying to move on. I recorded my grieving for you, reader. So you, like I, don't have to feel alone. Devon Douche!

My Sawa K├╝bler-Ross Model
Reluctant Acceptance.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010


In my lily white world, I have been to lots of funerals. Grandparents die, cancer kills people, even friends in high school died in car wrecks or, sadly, suicide. This week, I learned that sometimes people die in horrible, tragic, stupid, violent ways. Ways that are preventable and unnecessary. It is one thing to hear it on the news, but another when you know the person. When the person is more or less a part of your family.

People fight... because they feel wronged, or have something to prove, or had too much to drink, or felt like someone looked at them the wrong way... and are proud of it. Encouraging, even. And if they get hurt, or killed, in the brawl, it's somehow poetic justice.

I do not like this mentality. I do not understand this mentality. I do not like violence in any situation. It's the stuff of movies to me. I find it foreign, unbelievably sad, beyond stupid, and selfish. It makes me feel nauseous, faint, nervous, angry, and helpless.

That being said, what is enough to keep me in a world where this is a part of my reality? Love? What is enough to get someone to leave the only reality they have ever known? Love? I don't know. I am in a new surreal situation with no idea how to cope. Or how to comfort people I care about at such a volatile high emotional state.

My Sweetheart's family lost a son, brother, nephew, cousin, friend, and boyfriend to a horrible act of violence. The pain is unbearable. They have suffered tragic violent losses before, I have not. I never want to again. I don't understand it. They know stabbings and gunshots. I know trust funds and blogs. I am lost. I feel very sheltered and scared.

Elliot, my time knowing you was too short. You were funny, charming, handsome, and full of potential. I wish I could tell you that. I hope someone did. I hope you weren't too scared. I hope you didn't suffer. I hope you weren't alone. I hope you knew how much you were loved. Mostly, I hope you give others the courage to walk away. No fight is worth your life. I believe you would agree.

Rest in Peace.

Friday, August 20, 2010

CUDZOO & the Faggettes @ Arlene's Grocery Tonight

Potty mouths, whiskey drinkers, closet whatevers, dancing queens, sparkle divas, glitterholes, and those who laugh at pussyfarts...


Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Joe Pug


Joe is one of my dearest friends. We met at UNC. We were the two people left awake at parties to watch the sunrise and finish the keg. We did lots of artsy fartsy stuff together. He is one of the funniest people I know, but no one ever believes me because he writes and sings things he is supposed to be too young to understand. We always tell each other when the other is being an asshole. I think that's important. He is a superstar. I feel like a proud Mama Bear. I love him!

Itunes him, google him, find him. You'll be glad you did.

Watch him perform with The Levon Helm Band and Elvis Costello.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Auf Wiedersehen, Master Cleanse!!

10 days...
60 or so lemons and limes...
1 jug of grade b maple syrup...
1 vile of cayenne extract...
10 liters of salt water chugged...
5 mugs of poop tea...


Welp, I did it!
My experience? Ok. The juice gets boring. And it's really hard til about day 7. After that, I had tons of energy, to the point of not sleeping two nights in a row. Really. Cleanse euphoria. One night I did MENSA bathroom calendar problems from 6am to 9am. I was a genius. I went to the gym during the cleanse. Couldn't work quite as hard, but could still make it through. Not super hungry by the end, just really miss different flavors and textures.

I will not miss gagging down a liter of salt water in the morning and then being tied to the toilet for the next 3-4 hours, but I will miss the feeling of being totally empty. Couldn't always do the salt flush in the morning. If I had to be on set or things to do, I waited until the night. Twice the salt water didn't do its thing and I ended up just feeling sick from drinking a liter of salt water. Not sure what happened. You have to chug it all at once. It's hard. Warm water is easier. 1T of sea salt to a liter of water.

Tea wasn't as super effective as other poop teas (Ballerina Tea, the night I died on the toilet, but that's another blog.), but was a welcome different taste to the lemonade maple cayenne combo. I think it contributed to a bit of nausea, so basically only did it every other night. Didn't do it on nights I salt flushed.

Each day you should drink 8 servings of 8oz of lemonade. I made two 32oz bottles a day. Each serving calls for 2T lemon juice, 2T maple syrup, 1/10t cayenne, and 8oz spring water (8T, 8T, roughly 1t, 32oz for my bottles). I mostly used regular water (cause I forgot to pick up water at the store), found I preferred limes to lemons (mainly because I didn't have to deal with the seeds), and only used 1T per serving of the syrup because more than that tasted gross to me. Sometimes I would eat an extra T of syrup by itself. It wasn't as gross to me that way and helped me get more of the calories I needed (you don't want your body to go into starvation mode). I liked extra lime/lemon juice in my concoction. More tart than sweet. I varied the cayenne depending on how spicy I felt like that batch. I prefer the liquid extract to the ground pepper. Mixes better and wasn't as strong.

Along the way I had a few cheats. I assume the hungry was because I was only eating half the maple syrup I should have been eating. This also justified my cheats. I tried to match the lack of with similar easy to digest sugar. I sucked on peanut butter spoons if I got really hungry. About a T, but ate with a tiny spoon so it took longer. I probably had peanut butter 6-7 times through the cleanse. One day I sucked on almonds.

During a 14 hour day on set, I had finished my juice by 10am and was on set til 8pm. I ate a few pieces of fruit on set. It was necessary to keep alive. I also ate a pinch of bagel. My throat was really killing me (not sleeping for 2 nights in a row prior and talking to crew and kid talent all day is a recipe for super sore throat!) and I needed something scratchy to swallow against it. I only did one juice that day and drank a lot of water.

At another film shoot, I picked at 2 slices of tomato and had 3 sweet potato chips. In my defense, I was out of juice and feeling woozy. You try being on set 14 hours, staring at Crafts Service (doughnuts, bagels, sandwiches, cheese, butter, chips, dips, coffee, sodas, sweets, oh my...) and watching people eat all day. It sucks.

Another night, I became very nauseous. Maybe a combo of flushing and teaing? Maybe medicine on an empty stomach? That night I made a baked potato and ate a quarter of it plain. It eased my tummy. On alternating nights, I ate quarters of that baked potato with my meds. It seemed to help. 1 plain baked potato over the course of 10 days. Fine.

I got maple candies from the farmers market to munch on in place of the maple in my juice. The maple stand was only there once during my cleanse, I thought I could go back for more, so I only had that substitute for 2 or 3 days, but I really liked having solid syrup to eat instead of liquid in the drink.

I had no alcohol, soda, or caffeine. Just the juice, water, and poop tea. You are allowed herbal teas with no caffeine. One day I had a passion tea while staring at Sweetheart eating a Subway tuna melt and a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie. It was rough. He gave me an onion sliver. It was delicious.

So, I wasn't perfect, but I'm pretty damn proud! I think I lost between 10-15 pounds, but I'm sure most will come right back once I eat again and have full intestines. I feel better, have more energy, and hope this makes eating healthy easier, which was the idea. I couldn't get back into the swing of things since Sweetheart and I ate everything in NC for 2 weeks vacation. The idea for the cleanse was to shock my system back into healthy eating and gymming. I think it did its job!

Now I do the ease out diet. This is important because your body is no longer used to digesting food. Too much too soon will make me sick or clog the pipes. Tomorrow I can have orange juice. The next day I am going to make a vegetable broth. The third is solid food, but fruits, vegetables, and brown rice. Meats and dairy will be last when I feel like my system can digest food again. I am excited to eat, everything will taste so good! But have a weird guilty feeling about eating again. It's strange, but I feel like I should stay on the cleanse because I can. Knowing how little I can survive on versus how much I consume is strange and guilt inducing. On the other hand, food is yummy!

Maybe the most frustrating thing about the cleanse was the inability to hang out with Sweetheart and friends in most situations. Everything involves food or drink! It's horrible. Bowling and beer. Movies and popcorn. Even a bike ride begs for a nice cool glass of something to drink that is not spicysweetade. It will be really nice to be able to go to dinner or grab a drink or see a movie... basically, be a social human again. I'm sure some people have more willpower than I do in these situation, but if I can't have it, I don't want to be around it!

Will I ever do it again? Probably. Will it still be hard? Fuck yeah! But at least I know I can do it!

Here's to you, Master Cleanse.

And here's to ME!

Friday, August 13, 2010

My State will Cut your State

My birthday is in a month. Maybe you should consider getting me this. Heart on Yadkinville.
Please include cheese.
Found here.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Nine Nine Doing Fine

Cleanse day 9 has begun.

It's not so bad anymore. Almost makes sense to do it for longer. Almost. I miss food, but I'm not hungry too often. I hate maple syrup. And I have stopped needing sleep. Last night I slept two hours. Got up in hopes of being able to sleep tonight. See, I am styling/child wrangling a Crayola commercial today. On set at 7am. Wrap around 8pm. I had really hoped to tuck in early.

Hell to the No!

I was kicking ass at the gym til 10:30! Well, kicking ass at a moderate pace, anyway.

Before gym, I shopped til I had hoped to drop with Sweetheart. He starts his fancy new Wall Street job today and we had to get him 9-5ed out. How handsome is he in his sensible slacks and button ups?!?! Boiler Room's not my go to porn for nothing!

Taking a pain killer after over a week of cleansing is fantastic. I didn't really consider the outcome, I just hoped it would ease my wrestling in the pool sore muscles and escort me off to dreamland. My soreness is eased, but dreamland is more like manic-upswing-I-better-plan-my-entire-future-tonight-and-blog-and-stuff-land.

The kitties are purring beside me. They are happy I'm awake. Crossing all my fingers and toes for super slumber after the film shoot. Or I'll just go to the gym and stay up all night prioritizing life goals some more. As 'cleanse euphoric' as I am, I still can't make myself clean the apartment or reorganize or other important things. But I sure will do three months worth of MENSA Bathroom Calendar problems at six in the morning!

Also, I have my first nephew. His name is Miles and he is a three month old mastiff-mix. Brother Bear saved him from the pound. He is white with blond accent, just like his auntie. At three months, he is already the size of a full grown boxer dog. At six months, the vet predicted he would be the size of an adult lab. Who's the biggest baby bear unicorn dog in the world?! Although I won't meet him until I visit North Carolina again, I love him too much already!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


I want a pony! Not a pony pony. A ponydog!

We can go on adventures. I can ride him. I will name him Minister Cloudfoot. We will snuggle in bed. He will be very protective, but a big mushball at heart. He can beat anyone at frisbee. We will have the best time!

Minister Cloudfoot, I LOVE YOU!!

Monday, August 9, 2010

Sunday, August 8, 2010


In the near future, we have timers implanted into out arms that count down to the day we will meet our soulmate. What if you already met them and you are 14? What if your counter says you won't meet them til you're 67? What if your counter hasn't even started counting down yet?

I watched this movie last night. LOVED IT!
Just the right balance of romcom fluff and unexpected touching, poignant moments.
And the soundtrack was really good.
Thanks, movie!

Half Cleansed / Plumber Bummer

It's day 5 of the Master Cleanse. I'm hungry. And bored to tears of lemon maple death juice. And having a hard time keeping up with the amount of toilet paper needed when you salt water flush and drink poop tea every day! It's a lot.

Making matters worse, Friday morning, our toilet just stopped flushing. I called Landlord Guido Gus at 9:15am. He said he would be there to fix it by 5. Around 4:30, I began calling again. I called and texted over and over again. Roommate called and texted multiple times. Sweetheart called from 3 different numbers at work. He did not answer. Around 7, I began looking up plumbers.

9ish pm, Sweats McStinky from RotoRooter shows up. Ours estimate, $200 + parts, which should be $30-$60. We need a toilet, so yes! After Sweats McStinky disassembles our industrial tankless toilet, he realizes he doesn't have the right parts after all, and will need to go find them Saturday morning. Our toilet has a special brand that is hard to find and not compatible with other brands. This will cost more. Around $400.

He leaves, I salt water flush and push down my hard work by dumping trashcans full of water in the toilet. It is really something else.

FYI: pouring a bucket of water in a toilet with a broken flusher makes it flush.

Saturday, I was on set filming a movie, and roommate was busy, so we couldn't be home during the day. Luckily, Sweats McStinky works until midnight. Sweats McStinky came back about 10pm Saturday night. He ended up just buying a whole new section of toilet piping. He took a very long time, made a huge horrible mess (that he didn't clean up), smelled funny, was a little creepy, and sweated a lot (reminiscent of Brother Bear's roommate, Dirty Gnome). Then gave us our bill of over $700. That is very different from his estimate. It takes a shitbox to fix the shitter, I guess.

He left, I salt water flushed and made mess some more, and all is back to normal. We are just going to deduct our bill from rent and assume that's OK. We reported the problem, it's not our fault Landlord Guido Gus never showed up (and we still haven't heard from him). How long can you expect a household to survive without a working toilet?! I hope we don't have to go on Judge Judy!

This makes me less hungry.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Strays and Gays

Two of my favorite things... Strays and Gays.

Adopt shelter animals. Who else survived against the odds, just to welcome you home every day, and love you forever?!

Equality for all. Who else is gonna do your hair and make your clothes and tell you how fabulous you are?!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Idle Hands are Hungry

Bored + Cleanse* = Hungry.
Ambidextrous nail art keeps my hands busy and my brain occupied.

Left Mitten:

Right Mitten:


*Minor cheat: I sucked on a persimmon that was going bad. I didn't want to waste it!


My sweetheart and I went to the Yankees game last night. He bought me a pink foam finger (I always wanted one) and a baseball keychain with our picture in it. SO CUTE! We had beers, cheesy garlic fries, and steak sandwiches. We yelled, we cursed, we clapped, we took pictures everytime A-Rod took a swing.

Alas, we didn't witness homerun #600. It happend today, at the very next game.

The Yankees lost, but that didn't matter. I still got to leave with my big pink foam finger.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

You Make Me Wanna Throw My Bagel Out the Window

You don't know? Beyonce Knowles the drill...
Everything edible in the box to the left.

Today I have to eat everything in the house. It will help with Fighting Temptations.
Tomorrow starts the Master Cleanse.

I did the cleanse once before. No, no, no, no, nothing really happened. I made it about 5 or 7 days. I wasn't hungry, but I also wasn't cleansed. I just drank gross juice with no Bug-A-Poo.

This time, I'm hoping for change (Obama wasn't president during my last attempt). Not buying food will help with the Bills, Bills, Bills, I'm gonna look even more Bootylicious than usual, and I will use games, such as Halo, as a welcome distraction.

When I wanna act up, I gotta keep drink in my cup.... My Dereon jeans are tight! I'll walk by Burger King and be all, "You breakin' my focus, boy. You cute and you ballin'. See you in 10 days."

Irreplaceable? Carbs!
Nonetheless, I'm Down to Ride til the Very End, Me and My Master Cleanse.

Don't fuck with me, Honey B!

Monday, August 2, 2010

Take a Bite out of Shark Week with these Fun Facts

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy - something like that. ~Jack Handey

  • If you type (^^^) in Facebook chat, a shark happens.
  • Sharks hunted the oceans even before Dinosaurs roamed the earth!
  • Sharks will eat sharks.
  • Baby sharks can be born 3 ways. Laid eggs (like birds), eggs hatch inside mother shark and are then born, pups grow inside of mother (like humans).
  • Sharks have an extra sensory organ, the ampullae of Lorenzini, to 'feel' the electrical field of their prey.
  • The Cookiecutter Shark eats perfectly round circles out of its live prey.
  • Mako Sharks jump out of the water and into your boat.
  • Great White Sharks are fucking scary and shit!
  • A shark can smell one drop of blood in a million drops of water.
  • Before the invention of sandpaper, shark skin was used.
  • The Bull Shark can live in fresh and salt water.
  • A sharks brain sleep half at a time.
  • Whale Sharks, the biggest fish in the world, have skin 10cm thick.
Smile, you son of a Bitch!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Where in the World

Capitalism Is What People Do If You Leave Them Alone

Found: Mint Green Patent Sandals for $9.99...

But ended up being $5, as I bought another pair, making this pair half off. Well worth $5, except for the awkward low toe strap. It was tight, not very stylish, and reminded me of my strappy high school awards banquet* shoes. No thank you!

I imagined a better shoe...
I am 37% sure this is gonna work. That's pretty good odds for $5...
Make strap mustache to postpone outcome...
Just as I suspected, cute as a button! My right foot is modeling said full priced pair. LOVE IT!

Also acquired this week...

PINK DINOSAUR EARRINGS! Kate convinced me I needed them. She picked out some Chocolate Covered Doughnuts with Sprinkles earrings for herself.

Also, a fedora, a flower to put on my fedora, and a giant bow. For life and CUDZOO.

I love being a spendthrift every now and again. I don't know how I would have survived without these treasures! They are inexpensive, Erinesque, and able to inspire happiness. Bless retail therapy!

*Specifically, the white shoes I wore to the Athletic Awards Banquet my senior year, where I was awarded Scholastic Athlete of the Year, one of the most prestigious awards. Let that be a lesson to all you high school kids out there who cheat on your Spanish tests and are moderately coordinated! You, too, can get a placard with your name on it.