My Trusty Steed

This is a picture of my bicycle. Her name is Swiftwind. We go on adventures. She has a crate on her back. To carry home our treasures. She was a gift from Sweetheart. He knew I would love her. And I do. She's perfect!

Pee-wee: I wouldn't sell my bike for all the money in the world. Not for a hundred million, trillion, billion dollars!
Francis: Then you're crazy!
Pee-wee: I know you are but what am I?
Francis: You're a nerd!
Pee-wee: I know you are but what am I?
Francis: You're an idiot!
Pee-wee: I know you are but what am I?
Pee-Wee, Francis: I know you are but what am I? I know you are but what am I? I know you are but what am I?
Pee-wee: Infinity!
Francis: No, I'm not.
Francis, Pee-Wee: You are! No way! Knock it off! Cut it out!
Francis: Shut up, Pee-wee!
Pee-wee: Why don't you make me.
Francis: You make me!
Pee-wee: Because. I don't make monkeys, I just train 'em.
Francis: Pee-wee listen to reason.
[Pee-Wee cuffs his hand around his ear in a listening motion]
Francis: Pee-wee!
Pee-wee: Sh! I'm listening to reason.
Francis: Pee-wee!
Pee-wee: That's my name, don't wear it out.
Francis: Remember the first time I saw your bike? You came riding past my house and I came running out to tell you how much I liked it even way back then?
Pee-wee: I love that story.
[jumps on bike and pedals away]
Francis: You'll be sorry, Pee-wee Herman!

QUIDDITCH is Real!

I play Quidditch. I am a New York Badassilisk.

We have brooms. Sadly, they don't fly. But we have them. And there are quaffles and bludgers and hoops and capes. I am a beater first, a chaser second. Basically, I can't always catch you, so I knock you down and steal your ball. BOOM!

The snitch is a cross country sprinter, dressed in all gold, with a tennis ball in a tube sock tucked into the back of their pants. The snitch has no rules. They can leave the pitch, steal your bike, and climb a tree. Catching the snitch ends the game. A seeker for each team (Someone that really enjoys running. Like, for fun. Gross.) chases the snitch.

We have our first, and only game before the Quidditch World Cup, today against NYU. I don't really know if we are up to par. I mean, we haven't actually played anyone yet. But I'm excited at the idea of being World Cup Champions!!

And, after searching the entire city, I found an amazing broom. Well see, my first broom has snapped, like, three times. Duct taping it back together has stopped working. So, yeah. I'm really effing excited about a broom!

Suck it! Sweep it? Go team!

LA Face with an Oakland Booty

My butt is big...

And thanks to dancing and playing sports my whole life, stronger than anyone else's booty I know. I can snap pencils with it, bounce quarters off it, and use it to box out anyone in any sport. It looks good in everything from pin-up pencil skirts to urban gurrrl jeans. My boyfriend thinks my apple bottom is awesome. It's perfectly proportioned to my brick house bosom and finishes out my buxom coke bottle figure perfectly. I have a sprig of mistletoe, topped with a delicate pink bow, tattooed on the lower part of my right cheek, inviting you to kiss it.

You know, Nike, I'm still not super excited about your sweatshops, but I appreciate this ad very much!

I Pick You!

My Brother Bear wants this. I gotta say, it is pretty nifty. You can make your very own highfalutin guitar picks. This would significantly reduce my Christmas shopping list!

Pocket Pachyderm

Want. Need. Must have.

But a real elephant. That is this size.

That snuggles with the kitties.

And picks up my pencil in its trunk when I drop it.

And steps on peanuts to crack them.

And falls down when it sneezes.

And likes to sneak up on you and tug your toe.

And looks cute when dressed as a hamster or a hermit crab or an elf.

And pulls at the sheets and makes tiny exasperated elephant noises when it wants to sleep on your pillow next to you.

Tiny elephant will use the litter box, behave when going on trips in his tiny elephant travel bag, and provide countless hours of happiness for children with cancer and forgotten old people. I'm in love.

CHEESEburgerCAKE

This combines my two favorite foods. I like that. Picture a couple atop the bun. I'm looking at you, some-time-in-the-future Wedding Cake!

I Don't Care! I'll Pull Down My Underwear!

I didn't have a single one of these delicious treats this year! And they are my favorite! I went to drug stores and grocery store today for the sale bags. Nope! None for me. LAME.

If you have any laying around, please send to:

Erin McCarson

24-50 28th St #6

Astoria, NY 11102

I will also accept love letters.