PREACH.

I'm in on of those slumps where I can't catch a break. Murphy's Law to the MAX! So much so that I have been avoiding crossing the road and using sharp objects, as I am certain they will lead to an unpleasant, embarrassing, painful end. Something so absurd and unheard of, that it will be on the news. I fucking hate the news. Universe, I'm saying it out loud: you, me, and everyone we know needs to take mutha fuckin CHILL PILL!

Just a Bag of Bones.

I would like this very much. So the murderer in the woods can make the stabs quick and to the point. And so the handsome doctor who saves me knows what he is dealing with when he performs a lifesaving makeshift campfire surgery.

I do not want the Asian man in mine.

CUDZOO TONIGHT!!

Shit's about to get real! I'm on a dollar bill/penny real!

I don't know what that means, but you should come!

Arlene's Grocery @ 10:30

Unconditional LOVE!

He LOVES me so much his favorite sleep spot (when not between Sweetheart and me) is atop the dirty clothes. True LOVE!

Mommy.

Tells Blackman not to pick her up.

Makes adorable face.

Plays along.

Baby Humans Dressed as Baby Animals.

This Movie.

Laughing at Yourself.

Life is too important to be taken seriously.

-Oscar Wilde

My Quidditch Nickname.

A busty babe that can kick your ass. Obvi.

SHE-HULK!!!

Don't make her angry. You won't like her when she's angry.

Visual Puns. LOVE!

Pugs Bunny.

And You Thought Your Frat Came Up With This...

Tired of standing? Drink up! It only took Bernard 10 days.

Parking Lot Horses.

I LOVE WHIMSY THINGS!

Watch your back, edamame, you are about to get a-salted!

I will 'tee hee' with joy every single time I get to pop a salty cap in* a delicious meal's ass!

*Real conversation between Sweetheart and me while writing this blog.

Me: Now, do you pop a cap in someone's ass or on someone's ass.

Sweetheart: I pop a cap in yo ass.

Me: So, in? You pop caps in someone's ass?

Sweetheart: Yes. Wait. Why?!

Tiny Soul-mate.

Soul-mates come in all forms. Some more adorable than others.

Animals Like Each Other Despite Their Differences. Catch Up, Humans!

Positively Practical.

All public restrooms should be so kind.

My Other Half.

I LOVE YOU!

(Well, I loved you a little easier before that big fight a few days ago. Nonetheless, I do. Now be a man and buy me make-up presents! Good ones. I have bags under my eyes named after you.)

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

He said, "I think we should see other people."

I said, "Are you positive? Cause I am!"

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

GaGaGrammy

I thought I was the only famous fairy princess poptart whose favorite movie is Cocoon. Gaga and I really do have a lot in common.

I think her... uhm... friends? slaves? minions?... are wearing outfits made out of SCOBY (symbiotic colony of bacteria and yeast). Raw meat is SO 2010. See, more stuff in common. We are both brewing kombucha for the purpose of fashioning androgynous bodysuits for our gurney drivers. We're gonna be best friends!

Finger Flowers.

With all the snow and gloom, sometimes you gotta paint flowers on your fingernails!

Dinotoo

I think I have found my perfect tattoo...

Great idea or the greatest idea?

Homemade Thin Mints

Just as good, if not a little better (due the the extra LOVE I threw in), as the real ones!

Homemade Lemoncello!

Will be perfect by the first picnic of the season!

Meta Fashion.

I got a new Betsey Johnson. See, it's a Marilyn dress with Marilyn all over it. I'm in LOVE!

Subway grates, consider yourselves warned.

Lovers Snowy Adventure.

Babe, pretend it's my junk.

Babe, would you like me better if I were Crasian?

3rd Rock from the Haters

I believed you were a beautiful hunk of man meat from the very beginning. And I've got my freshman year in high school diary to prove it! Do you want to be my boyfriend?

10 Things I Hate About You:

1. You are short.

2. I got caught polishing the pearl at least twice by my mom because of you.

3. Your name is hard to spell.

4. You kissed Zooey.

5. The tall brassy blonde in your life is Kristen Johnston, not Erin McCarson.

6. You frenched Alex Mack! Jealous!

7. You FRENCHED Alex Mack! Super Jealous.

8. You knew Health Ledger. Alive.

9. I don't have your phone number so we can text playfully throughout the day.

10. ALEX MACK!

I ran into him on the street a while back. Truth be told, he was tiny! But very handsome. Tit level will do just fine. Joseph G-L, you are adorbs!

Lady's Who Tea.

Tea, scones, and clotted cream with my favorite ladybirds at Tea and Sympathy. This is love!

Kitteh.

Meet Huckleberry Dinosaur and Oscar Bobcat. In spirit, Oliver Unicorn.

Sadly, tonight is Huck's last night at our apartment. He will be moving to a new home. I feel very sad. Oscar is his best friend, father, brother, and mentor. Huck loves Oscar too much and can't wait to cuddle him while they cat nap. Not only is he gonna be alone, but learning a new home, too. Oscar lost his brother Oliver and is now losing his little Huck, too. Is he going to feel like every fellow kitty will go away one day? I just feel very sad for them. Maybe I am giving them human emotions and I shouldn't because they are, well, cats. I think they understand more than we give them credit for. They have smart souls.

The silver lining? A new kitten!

MOMMY LOVES YOU, HUCK! I HOPE YOU HAVE A HAPPY NEW HOME!

Super Bowl Redux

Always a Babe!

My Daddy, heart shaped sunglasses, and a '69 MG. Let's roll!

FAVORITE!!!

My favorite, bestest, most beautiful, smartest, everything in the universe that is good person!

My Mama.

Best Night of Sleep.

Valentine's month must-have.

Thugs are Funny.

I get sprung.

Froghole.

How Miss Piggy got a little frog in her throat.

Month of LOVE!

This month will be dedicated to LOVE. In all its shapes and sizes!