I'm in on of those slumps where I can't catch a break. Murphy's Law to the MAX! So much so that I have been avoiding crossing the road and using sharp objects, as I am certain they will lead to an unpleasant, embarrassing, painful end. Something so absurd and unheard of, that it will be on the news. I fucking hate the news. Universe, I'm saying it out loud: you, me, and everyone we know needs to take mutha fuckin CHILL PILL!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
I would like this very much. So the murderer in the woods can make the stabs quick and to the point. And so the handsome doctor who saves me knows what he is dealing with when he performs a lifesaving makeshift campfire surgery.
I do not want the Asian man in mine.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Watch your back, edamame, you are about to get a-salted!
I will 'tee hee' with joy every single time I get to pop a salty cap in* a delicious meal's ass!
*Real conversation between Sweetheart and me while writing this blog.
Me: Now, do you pop a cap in someone's ass or on someone's ass.
Sweetheart: I pop a cap in yo ass.
Me: So, in? You pop caps in someone's ass?
Sweetheart: Yes. Wait. Why?!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
I thought I was the only famous fairy princess poptart whose favorite movie is Cocoon. Gaga and I really do have a lot in common.
I think her... uhm... friends? slaves? minions?... are wearing outfits made out of SCOBY (symbiotic colony of bacteria and yeast). Raw meat is SO 2010. See, more stuff in common. We are both brewing kombucha for the purpose of fashioning androgynous bodysuits for our gurney drivers. We're gonna be best friends!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
I believed you were a beautiful hunk of man meat from the very beginning. And I've got my freshman year in high school diary to prove it! Do you want to be my boyfriend?
10 Things I Hate About You:
1. You are short.
2. I got caught polishing the pearl at least twice by my mom because of you.
3. Your name is hard to spell.
4. You kissed Zooey.
5. The tall brassy blonde in your life is Kristen Johnston, not Erin McCarson.
6. You frenched Alex Mack! Jealous!
7. You FRENCHED Alex Mack! Super Jealous.
8. You knew Health Ledger. Alive.
9. I don't have your phone number so we can text playfully throughout the day.
10. ALEX MACK!
I ran into him on the street a while back. Truth be told, he was tiny! But very handsome. Tit level will do just fine. Joseph G-L, you are adorbs!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Meet Huckleberry Dinosaur and Oscar Bobcat. In spirit, Oliver Unicorn.
Sadly, tonight is Huck's last night at our apartment. He will be moving to a new home. I feel very sad. Oscar is his best friend, father, brother, and mentor. Huck loves Oscar too much and can't wait to cuddle him while they cat nap. Not only is he gonna be alone, but learning a new home, too. Oscar lost his brother Oliver and is now losing his little Huck, too. Is he going to feel like every fellow kitty will go away one day? I just feel very sad for them. Maybe I am giving them human emotions and I shouldn't because they are, well, cats. I think they understand more than we give them credit for. They have smart souls.
The silver lining? A new kitten!
MOMMY LOVES YOU, HUCK! I HOPE YOU HAVE A HAPPY NEW HOME!