Faith Overcomes Every Obstacle

Meet Faith. See the awesome healing powers of booze. It's a miracle.

And further proof that alcohol makes you a dick.

You're Full of Shit, Psycho!

In honor of Donald Trump, a big old ugly piece of shit...

Sometimes, if your poops are too big, you have to do a little extra work to make them, uhm, go away. I think the best way to handle this situation is to fucking remain fucking calm. Stop the poop water from pouring out into the cat litter, cuss as you hurry to kick the rugs out of the way, yell at the cat who is trying to help, and cuss some more.

When the calm of the storm finally arrives, I like to sing this song at the top of my lungs...

While plunging the toilet with this...

...in a manic, crazy kinda way. Bonus points for leaving the door open and smiling in a manic 'I really enjoy this' fashion. Extra bonus points for holding it, dripping poop water, at someones neck when they ask if you need any help.

Allergies Attack My Life!

It came out of nowhere. I was fine and watching Pregnant in Heels, and then BOOM! I can't breathe and my eye balls are gonna pop out and I am actively trying to gouge my sinus cavity. Allergy attacks make me look like a have a trout pout and a lazy eye. Sweetheart went to the store to get me medicines after midnight! This won him like, 3,816 best boyfriend points, and everybody knows you need that many to trade in for the good stuff. Less than that and you are stuck with Chinese finger traps and bulk candy from Oriental Trading. This is after a Singulair, a Zyrtec, and two Benedryl. I'm a drugged pollinated mess! Someone help my allergy woes!

A Fool for this Bag!

My dream bag in the Chanel classic 2.55. Large, double flap, gold hardware, please.

And I want it made out of beef jerky.

APRIL FOOLS, SUCKERS!!

I want it filled with beef jerky! Made of lamb.

The Real World: Winnie the Pooh

You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you.

You have to go to them sometimes.

~Winnie the Pooh

No. More. Winter!

A FUCK SNOW GLOBE.

Unicorn Magic!

Today was BEAUTIFUL! Spring is starting to sprung! And as you know, year after year the warm breeze of spring rides in on unicorn drawn chariots. No other creature can produce the warmth, color, and magic of spring like the majestic unicorn.

Unicorns blood is made of rainbows. Seriously. And they shit glitter. And cry whiskey. See:

Eating unicorn meat is thought to give you super powers, but actually, it kills you. Unless of course, that specific unicorn has given you permission to eat it. Then you will never die, become immune to carbs, and shit glitter.

One of my favorite breeds of unicorn is the elusive Unicone. Sadly, Mr. Tastee commissioned poachers have damn near killed them all! They usually remain invisible to humans and have developed laser death rays that shoot out of their eyes.

The most common unicorn in the FuckUnicorn. I actually own a teacup version of this breed. I carry it around with me in a little pink bag meant for small dogs.

THANK YOUNICORNS FOR SPRING!!

OH SNAP!

From the couch... to the fireplace... to the chair... toss down a pillow bridge...

Oh shit, YOU'RE ON FIRE! GET! OFF!

Lava floor is the best.

TARHEELS ACC CHAMPS!

I'm a Tarheel Born

I'm a Tarheel bred

And when I die

I'll be a Tarheel dead

So rah rah Carolina-lina

Rah rah Carolina-line

Rah rah Carolina-line

GO TO HELL, DOOK!

BABE-ushka!

My Mummy Dearest collects nesting dolls. I don't know if she meant to. She got one in Europe when we used to live there. I remember playing with it when I was younger and liking it a lot. So, one Christmas, I got her a nesting doll. And the next Christmas, another. So on and so forth... And she started buying nesting dolls that were unusual. And Brotherbear began giving them to her, too. Now she has lots of beautiful unique nesting dolls. Even one I made of our family. Daisy (dog) in Brotherbear in me in Mummy in Father. I read or heard somewhere or made up that 'people collect things so you know what to get them for gifts.' Good enough reason for me! I collect lots of weird things, and I do like getting presents. Cause and effect, good reader. Cause and effect!

I worry she may acquire too many. We are under 20 and well below hoarder red flags, but still. Or that she didn't mean to have this collection. She's just too nice to say anything. Maybe next year I will think outside of the box and give her something more practical... her very own babushka nesting dress!

Just a Bag of Bones.

I would like this very much. So the murderer in the woods can make the stabs quick and to the point. And so the handsome doctor who saves me knows what he is dealing with when he performs a lifesaving makeshift campfire surgery.

I do not want the Asian man in mine.

Unconditional LOVE!

He LOVES me so much his favorite sleep spot (when not between Sweetheart and me) is atop the dirty clothes. True LOVE!

I LOVE WHIMSY THINGS!

Watch your back, edamame, you are about to get a-salted!

I will 'tee hee' with joy every single time I get to pop a salty cap in* a delicious meal's ass!

*Real conversation between Sweetheart and me while writing this blog.

Me: Now, do you pop a cap in someone's ass or on someone's ass.

Sweetheart: I pop a cap in yo ass.

Me: So, in? You pop caps in someone's ass?

Sweetheart: Yes. Wait. Why?!

Tiny Soul-mate.

Soul-mates come in all forms. Some more adorable than others.

Animals Like Each Other Despite Their Differences. Catch Up, Humans!

Dinotoo

I think I have found my perfect tattoo...

Great idea or the greatest idea?

Meta Fashion.

I got a new Betsey Johnson. See, it's a Marilyn dress with Marilyn all over it. I'm in LOVE!

Subway grates, consider yourselves warned.

Super Bowl Redux

FAVORITE!!!

My favorite, bestest, most beautiful, smartest, everything in the universe that is good person!

My Mama.

Best Night of Sleep.

Valentine's month must-have.