Dead Tired!

You're Full of Shit, Psycho!

In honor of Donald Trump, a big old ugly piece of shit...

Sometimes, if your poops are too big, you have to do a little extra work to make them, uhm, go away. I think the best way to handle this situation is to fucking remain fucking calm. Stop the poop water from pouring out into the cat litter, cuss as you hurry to kick the rugs out of the way, yell at the cat who is trying to help, and cuss some more.

When the calm of the storm finally arrives, I like to sing this song at the top of my lungs...

While plunging the toilet with this...

...in a manic, crazy kinda way. Bonus points for leaving the door open and smiling in a manic 'I really enjoy this' fashion. Extra bonus points for holding it, dripping poop water, at someones neck when they ask if you need any help.

Spinal Cracker

Today I pushed my way through two Zumba classes and a Boot Camp class. Then I played catch with Sweetheart. I feel so good and I feel so bad! I gotta get my body to keep up with my brain, it still thinks we can do this kinda thing! So much fun. So much Advil. A nice hot shower, please! And maybe a little of this to mend my mid-to-late half of my mid-to-late twenty something old lady bones.

Team Busy Bee. Team Llama.

I have been so busy! I haven't had time to keep this baby updated. And there has been so much! The following paragraph is my stream of conscience ramblings on what I would have blogged about if I had had time to blog:

I got asked to do a bit part in an upcoming movie, Shoplifting from American Apparel. I worked with this director before on the film The Human War and had a blast. I was also submitted for a JCPenny's commercial. I have been shopping there since I was an awkward teen in need of a business suit for DECA club and too chubby to find jackshit at the Limited Too. There is no reason why I shouldn't get cast. I consider it retribution for years of suffering in ugly ass clothes as a chubby young thing. Cudzoo is doing well. Can't wait to get in the studio. I got to visit with my forever friend Joe Pug. He's famous. You don't know him? You should. He will fix your soul. Fame's not making him an asshole, though. He was always an asshole. Dottie is doing better, she was a sick little kitten for a few days, but she still eats everything and gets tummy aches. She ate the straps off my tank top the other day. Brotherbear's band played at the Wildhorse Saloon in Nashville and killed it. He's kinda a big deal. I caught up with a great old college chumette. I discovered Sake. It fucks you up! I miss Quidditch because I'm always super busy on the weekends with weddings and rehearsals and life. I miss my broom and cape! Scream 4 was fun. As was Source Code and Insidious. It's warm enough to break out my vintage poncho. I figured out how to apply feather extensions. My kombucha is brewing steady. I need new sneakers. And tonight I am going to a Oh So Bad/Oh So Good Movie Screening Party of The Room. I can't wait!

Well, thats the jumbled update of my goings ons. Now to the gym. But not before I make your day/ruin your night with this sad, funny, not as sexy as a werewolf comparison pic:

Jessie J, I Love You!

Jessie J will be performing at the PCRichard theater in NYC.

I MUST BE THERE!!

You should be there, too! She's so pretty!

Internet Dating

You're back! Hello, internet in my apartment. I missed you. I love you. Let's never be apart again! Wait, did you just check out that girl? What, just because you waltz back into my life you think you can look at other girls like that? No. No! Shut your mouthface! What? What! It's my nails isn't it? I knew I should have picked Firework and not High Heel. Fuck. I'm so stupid. Why do you want to spend your life with someone so stupid?! Maybe you should go ask that floozy out. Her skinny jeans and piercings suggest high intelligence. You think she's ugly? You're ugly. No you don't. You're just saying that. You do? You mean it? Really? I want to be with you, too. I know, but I told you I was crazy on our first date. I just missed you, is all. I love you, too. Don't. Don't look at her! I will cut that bitch. I missed you.

Face it, it's Facebook.

Tuppence.

Do you take sacagaweas?

Giving the Finger

Some people tie a string around their finger when they want to remember something. I hold one of my fingers hostage.

No. More. Winter!

A FUCK SNOW GLOBE.

Unicorn Magic!

Today was BEAUTIFUL! Spring is starting to sprung! And as you know, year after year the warm breeze of spring rides in on unicorn drawn chariots. No other creature can produce the warmth, color, and magic of spring like the majestic unicorn.

Unicorns blood is made of rainbows. Seriously. And they shit glitter. And cry whiskey. See:

Eating unicorn meat is thought to give you super powers, but actually, it kills you. Unless of course, that specific unicorn has given you permission to eat it. Then you will never die, become immune to carbs, and shit glitter.

One of my favorite breeds of unicorn is the elusive Unicone. Sadly, Mr. Tastee commissioned poachers have damn near killed them all! They usually remain invisible to humans and have developed laser death rays that shoot out of their eyes.

The most common unicorn in the FuckUnicorn. I actually own a teacup version of this breed. I carry it around with me in a little pink bag meant for small dogs.

THANK YOUNICORNS FOR SPRING!!

OH SNAP!

From the couch... to the fireplace... to the chair... toss down a pillow bridge...

Oh shit, YOU'RE ON FIRE! GET! OFF!

Lava floor is the best.

ERIN GO BRA-LESS!

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!

When I was a wee lass, I lived in Letterkenny, Ireland. My Dad's company sent him there, so Mom and I went, too. We set up house in Letterkenny and traveled all over Europe. They were filming National Lampoon's European Vacation when we were at the Eiffel Tower and we got a script. Chevy Chase thought I was super cute! Duh! I was very young, so I don't remember a lot. Specific memories include, things being green, sheep, picking up a rock at a castle, and getting sick. And I have snapshot memories of having a birthday party over there with all my Irish friends and getting a Bosco the Clown. As I was very young, I also picked up a bit of a brogue that quickly turned southern drawl upon returning to the states. I would be at least 38% more awesome if I still rocked the Lucky Charms accent. Bummer.

I will make it back one day. I mean, come on, Erin McCirish! It's so beautiful. And true to memory, green.

And this time I will be old enough to drink at ye olde pub. Well, legally.

Wear Green!!

Phallictastic

What are these?

This enlightening shift in perspective seems to once again prove that sex sells, even when we don't recognize it. From the artist's website:

Still Life (Cosmetic Bottles), by David Baskin

This ‘still life’, a selection of store bought cosmetic bottles, was cast in pigmented rubber. By stripping the products of their brand recognition, logos, or semiotic labeling, one begins to see the high aesthetic quality of these objects and a latent eroticism is revealed.

What do you think? Latent eroticism or deodorant bottles?

Where Are They Now? Skeletor v. He-Man

It was clear at a very early age that Skeletor was predestined to be He-Man's arch-enemy and main antagonist in the Masters of the Universe franchise. Skeletot was a finicky baby with a taste for kittens and dark magic.

Try as he might, even with the force of all that is evil behind him, he was never able to defeat He-Man, learn the ancient secrets of Castle Greyskull, and rule Eternia. Thusly, he took to figure modeling for college art class electives and turning the occasional trick. His clients never complained (due to his mystical powers and muscular blue humanoid form, one can assume) and he earned the moniker Skelewhore.

In his spare time, he can still be found roaming the streets, with Panthor and his Havoc Staff (not a euphemism), looking for He-Man and hoping to put an end their eternal battle of good versus evil.

Little does he know, He-Man, sporting a clever disguise, has chosen a new direction for his life. How long will this ruse last? Is Prince Adam the new Prince Albert? Is She-Ra chic in this season?

And the battle continues!

If You Like It Then You Shoulda Put Your Finger In It!

I am looking into finger adding surgery so I can have all of these and wear them all at once with proper spacing to allow the viewer to appreciate each ring. I mean, I don't want to look gaudy!

So I can always find my way around the city, the Gotham ring. I will wear with my Batman earrings. Because that's adorable.

The I Want To Shoot You Dead ring. Makes any finger the fuck you finger!

The Sharpener On-The-Go ring. It says, 'I'm an architect' or 'I'm a student' or 'I write in library books in a responsible way' or 'I'm prepared for anything' or, in my case, 'I appreciate a good sharp tip on my eyebrow pencil.'

The Gas Mask ring. Let people know YOUR FINGER will survive WWIII, the zombie apocalypse, otherworldly intelligent beings dominating our planet, nuclear winters, and nights when your partner's farts smell like warm cat food, boiled eggs, and French's fried onions mixed together and shit back out in the form of acidic gag air poofs.

And my favorite, the Heroin Really Is Chic SyRINGe. This and a naughty nurse outfit are enough to make me consider the Florence Nightingale path. Many people become doctors to help others, I want to be a doctor for the cheeky jewelry and funny death goofs.

Ring ding dong. Ring a ding ding ding dong. I want these.

CUDZOO does Don Pedros!

TARHEELS ACC CHAMPS!

I'm a Tarheel Born

I'm a Tarheel bred

And when I die

I'll be a Tarheel dead

So rah rah Carolina-lina

Rah rah Carolina-line

Rah rah Carolina-line

GO TO HELL, DOOK!

Zombie Apocalypse Hat

Tonight, Sweetheart and I were rounding up our choice army in case of a zombie apocalypse. We were surprised at who did and did not make the cut. Did you? Well, we can't tell you until Z-day, but until then, you can start crocheting your official Team Super Survive headgear. Not only will it help prevent potential brain damage due to contusions (I'm fitting mine over my bicycle helmet), but it will also confuse zombies and remind your fellow team members that a zombie apocalypse is no time to lose your sense of humor!

Shoe Fly, that Shoe is FLY!

'Mama always says there's an awful lot you could tell about a person by their shoes. Where they're going. Where they've been.'

Well, Forrest, let's take a look:

Flipettos. The shoe biproduct of Cinderella and Ariel's adopted daughter who has an affinity for Barbie. My two Mommies practical lesbian wear never looked so stylish!

Shoes for deaf bitches.

The costume designer's solution to the ruby slippers at GDub's all male high school production of The Wiz of Oz. Bitch gotta be able to run, that shit is in the Heights! They shoot you there. There's no place like homo!

Actually, I want these. All of them.