Showing posts with label disaster. Show all posts
Showing posts with label disaster. Show all posts

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

You're Full of Shit, Psycho!

In honor of Donald Trump, a big old ugly piece of shit...

Sometimes, if your poops are too big, you have to do a little extra work to make them, uhm, go away. I think the best way to handle this situation is to fucking remain fucking calm. Stop the poop water from pouring out into the cat litter, cuss as you hurry to kick the rugs out of the way, yell at the cat who is trying to help, and cuss some more.

When the calm of the storm finally arrives, I like to sing this song at the top of my lungs...



While plunging the toilet with this...


...in a manic, crazy kinda way. Bonus points for leaving the door open and smiling in a manic 'I really enjoy this' fashion. Extra bonus points for holding it, dripping poop water, at someones neck when they ask if you need any help.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Allergies Attack My Life!


It came out of nowhere. I was fine and watching Pregnant in Heels, and then BOOM! I can't breathe and my eye balls are gonna pop out and I am actively trying to gouge my sinus cavity. Allergy attacks make me look like a have a trout pout and a lazy eye. Sweetheart went to the store to get me medicines after midnight! This won him like, 3,816 best boyfriend points, and everybody knows you need that many to trade in for the good stuff. Less than that and you are stuck with Chinese finger traps and bulk candy from Oriental Trading. This is after a Singulair, a Zyrtec, and two Benedryl. I'm a drugged pollinated mess! Someone help my allergy woes!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Team Busy Bee. Team Llama.

I have been so busy! I haven't had time to keep this baby updated. And there has been so much! The following paragraph is my stream of conscience ramblings on what I would have blogged about if I had had time to blog:

I got asked to do a bit part in an upcoming movie, Shoplifting from American Apparel. I worked with this director before on the film The Human War and had a blast. I was also submitted for a JCPenny's commercial. I have been shopping there since I was an awkward teen in need of a business suit for DECA club and too chubby to find jackshit at the Limited Too. There is no reason why I shouldn't get cast. I consider it retribution for years of suffering in ugly ass clothes as a chubby young thing. Cudzoo is doing well. Can't wait to get in the studio. I got to visit with my forever friend Joe Pug. He's famous. You don't know him? You should. He will fix your soul. Fame's not making him an asshole, though. He was always an asshole. Dottie is doing better, she was a sick little kitten for a few days, but she still eats everything and gets tummy aches. She ate the straps off my tank top the other day. Brotherbear's band played at the Wildhorse Saloon in Nashville and killed it. He's kinda a big deal. I caught up with a great old college chumette. I discovered Sake. It fucks you up! I miss Quidditch because I'm always super busy on the weekends with weddings and rehearsals and life. I miss my broom and cape! Scream 4 was fun. As was Source Code and Insidious. It's warm enough to break out my vintage poncho. I figured out how to apply feather extensions. My kombucha is brewing steady. I need new sneakers. And tonight I am going to a Oh So Bad/Oh So Good Movie Screening Party of The Room. I can't wait!

Well, thats the jumbled update of my goings ons. Now to the gym. But not before I make your day/ruin your night with this sad, funny, not as sexy as a werewolf comparison pic:


Saturday, March 5, 2011

Zombie Apocalypse Hat

Tonight, Sweetheart and I were rounding up our choice army in case of a zombie apocalypse. We were surprised at who did and did not make the cut. Did you? Well, we can't tell you until Z-day, but until then, you can start crocheting your official Team Super Survive headgear. Not only will it help prevent potential brain damage due to contusions (I'm fitting mine over my bicycle helmet), but it will also confuse zombies and remind your fellow team members that a zombie apocalypse is no time to lose your sense of humor!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Tickle My Digits.

I got a new phone.
From Santa.
A smart phone.
It confuses me a great deal.
Is there an app for that?

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Total Eclipse of the Eclipse

Tonight was 'The Last Time Before The World Ends In 2012 Lunar Eclipse'. Exciting, right?! The next will be in 2014. For the cockroaches, bedbugs, and mole people.

A full lunar eclipse coupled with the winter solstice? NASA reports that the last time these astronomical events took place in sync was on Dec. 21, 1638, and it won't happen again until at least 2094. Naturally, I was stoked. I am even home in the country, where you can see stars and UFOs and whatnot.

Welp, it's cloudy. Super cloudy. So me and brotherbear watched it stream on the interweb while talking about the legend of Slender Man. (Which only scares me because he's scared by it. The more you look for Slender Man, the more he looks for you. And the collective belief in him make him real. You paranoia yourself nutty! Seriously, research this thing. Watch some videos. Then try to fall asleep without thinking about it. Peeping around trees and looking in windows and dunking under the door frame. Fuck. That is one slender man!)

So the eclipse was eclipsed by clouds? Does that make it more special? Did the moon get shy? Are the clouds attention seeking bullies? Did Slender Man do it? Was it all a Truman Showesque ruse to allow brotherbear and me bonding time? Oh, what to make of it all?!?!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Lily White Gangsta

Now, the terribly terrible part of the weekend. Saturday night, after all day Quidditching, Sweetheart and I went to the Bronx for his Mami's birthday. We headed home late, taking a cab from the Bronx to 125th on the east side. There, we can catch the M60 bus right over the Triborough Bridge (literally, one stop) and be home. If the cab crosses the bridge, they charge you the toll there and back, and more just to be dicks, making your cab ride jump from $20 something to $40-$50 something. So, the bus is the best option. We are poor.

We were at the bus stop around 2 or 3 in the morning. Sure, it's late. And sure, it's Spanish Harlem... but it's not bad. And the stop is in front of a super well lit 24 hour grocery. And lots of traffic and people. And we have done it many times.

We were in the middle of the block. To our right was an empty corner. To the left was a busy intersection where all the cabs were turning.

Since it was late, the bus wasn't running as frequently. This was terrible. We were exhausted and cold. Then lots of sirens started happening. Police cars were rushing around, but we couldn't see where. I started to feel funny, but just chalked it up to exhaustion.

Then people started gathering at the empty end of the block. I assumed it was an evacuation from a fire. You know, sirens and a sudden mob of people. I almost walked down there to see if it was a fire. I figured it would make me feel better if I confirmed the sirens purpose.

Next, some teenage girls across the street were acting weird. These teen boys right across from us (who I had given the judgemental stink eye because I assumed they were hoodlums) were telling them to 'go' and 'get out of here' and the girls were resisting and rushing to go at the same time. Weird.

We decided we couldn't wait any longer and we should just walk up to the busy intersection to get a cab. Just as we started walking, pops started happening. I thought it was a car backfiring, but it kept happening. 'Oh, this is what gunshots sound like!' I suppose I had only ever heard them from afar during hunting season in North Carolina. It sounds different. Once this clicked in my head, I made the fight or flight decision to run behind the grocery store. A large scary man stopped me an said, 'They are shooting over here. Get in my van.'

The kids across the street (that's right, the hoodlums) were shooting into the crowd of people down the block. The crowd I almost walked into. Right by where we were standing 10 seconds before.

Suddenly my brain had a chance to rationalize the situation. I looked up and saw people running into the traffic of the busy intersection. I froze when I realized my options were to Frogger through traffic, run towards the gunshots, or get into a large scary strangers rape murder van. I stood there and turned in circles for at least forever (probably a few seconds). Finally, Sweetheart pulled me to the van and told me to get in.

Sweetheart later told me he had recognized the man. He always parks there to give people a ride home once they have their groceries. I did not know this. Stranger danger.

I told the man to take us home. I didn't care the cost. We crossed the bridge and got out right off the exit. As I still wasn't sure if he was going to kill us or not, as soon as I got one foot on the ground I had a full out panic attack.

Sweetheart, from the Bronx, tried to tell me it wasn't a big deal and we were safe and he wouldn't let anything happen to me. I gently wailed that I was not ok with that happening, I do not want it to be normal to me, and I will need grabbed and thrown to safety should it ever happen again.

I still feel very weird about the whole ordeal. I mean, really? A gun fight? Fuck NO!

We are safe. We will not be going to that bus stop for a little while. Because it's terrifying.

And my street cred has shot (errr... uhm. yeah.) though the roof. Gangsta, and whatnot.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

10 Years Later, Who Are You?

Kirk Mason, 'Kirky', is one of my favorite people in the whole world. If I had to pick someone to be stuck in a horrible or good or sad or happy or challenging or funny situation with, one that had no foreseeable end, I would totally ask him to come with me! We share very similar backgrounds, brains, senses of humor, ideas, and beliefs. We help each other find perspective. We have young clean hearts. We play. He makes me laugh.

We both had 10 year high school reunions this year. His class was asked to send in pictures for slide shows depicting what you have been up to for the past 10 years and where you are now.

(My class didn't do this. Some of the boys club that stayed in NC played golf. We had gross food and no DJ. I was one of the 5 people who danced to the ipod. Apparently my parents 30 year high school reunion the same weekend was more hip.)

(Furthermore, I found the whole reunion to be less than I had imagined it to be. Partially because of the boys club friendly planning and general disinterest of the attendees, but also I blame Facebook. No one was truly excited to see their long lost classmates or surprised by what they were doing with their lives. It's like, 'Oh hey, I read on Facebook last week that you made a sandwich. How was it?')

Anyhow, Kirk and I were trying to come up with some really perfect trashy fun pictures we could send in for our reunion slide shows (well, my theoretical slide show). I thought I would share a few of my top choices over the next few posts. I think they would really be special featured in my theoretical 'Where Are They Now' 10 Year Reunion Slide show. People with their kids and weddings and ARMY adventures and car repairs and poorly composed vacation shots...

And me!

'Since high school, I've really been interested in finding the strength to stand up to my inner demons and overcome the power they have over me. And bears.'


Monday, November 1, 2010

I Don't Care! I'll Pull Down My Underwear!

I didn't have a single one of these delicious treats this year! And they are my favorite! I went to drug stores and grocery store today for the sale bags. Nope! None for me. LAME.

If you have any laying around, please send to:
Erin McCarson
24-50 28th St #6
Astoria, NY 11102

I will also accept love letters.

Friday, October 29, 2010

I Thought Love Don't Cost a Thing!


Stop wasting my time
You know what I want
You know what I need
Or maybe you don't

Do I have to come right flat out and tell you everything?
Gimme some money

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

NEWPORT NEWS!

I love old Newport Cigarettes ads. Everyone is having themostfuneverintheirwholelives! I remember seeing them in various stashes of Playboys hidden around our house when I was little. Why did we get Playboy? Why weren't they hidden in a more efficient way that prevented a little kid from finding them? Were they, but I was just a kid genius? Who knows! Those aren't the important questions. These are the important questions:



Are her legs really short?

Why did you assume he would be able to sing?

So, I can just join either team?
She thinks you are turning 3 and you came yourself?

Why is he stealing that lesbians pumpkin?
Is he gonna fit?
Why are Johnny and Baby's stand-ins hugging those big condoms?
Is your favorite snack mustard on a potato chip, too?! SHUT UP!!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Half Cleansed / Plumber Bummer

It's day 5 of the Master Cleanse. I'm hungry. And bored to tears of lemon maple death juice. And having a hard time keeping up with the amount of toilet paper needed when you salt water flush and drink poop tea every day! It's a lot.

Making matters worse, Friday morning, our toilet just stopped flushing. I called Landlord Guido Gus at 9:15am. He said he would be there to fix it by 5. Around 4:30, I began calling again. I called and texted over and over again. Roommate called and texted multiple times. Sweetheart called from 3 different numbers at work. He did not answer. Around 7, I began looking up plumbers.

9ish pm, Sweats McStinky from RotoRooter shows up. Ours estimate, $200 + parts, which should be $30-$60. We need a toilet, so yes! After Sweats McStinky disassembles our industrial tankless toilet, he realizes he doesn't have the right parts after all, and will need to go find them Saturday morning. Our toilet has a special brand that is hard to find and not compatible with other brands. This will cost more. Around $400.

He leaves, I salt water flush and push down my hard work by dumping trashcans full of water in the toilet. It is really something else.

FYI: pouring a bucket of water in a toilet with a broken flusher makes it flush.

Saturday, I was on set filming a movie, and roommate was busy, so we couldn't be home during the day. Luckily, Sweats McStinky works until midnight. Sweats McStinky came back about 10pm Saturday night. He ended up just buying a whole new section of toilet piping. He took a very long time, made a huge horrible mess (that he didn't clean up), smelled funny, was a little creepy, and sweated a lot (reminiscent of Brother Bear's roommate, Dirty Gnome). Then gave us our bill of over $700. That is very different from his estimate. It takes a shitbox to fix the shitter, I guess.

He left, I salt water flushed and made mess some more, and all is back to normal. We are just going to deduct our bill from rent and assume that's OK. We reported the problem, it's not our fault Landlord Guido Gus never showed up (and we still haven't heard from him). How long can you expect a household to survive without a working toilet?! I hope we don't have to go on Judge Judy!

This makes me less hungry.