Faith Overcomes Every Obstacle

Meet Faith. See the awesome healing powers of booze. It's a miracle.

And further proof that alcohol makes you a dick.

You're Full of Shit, Psycho!

In honor of Donald Trump, a big old ugly piece of shit...

Sometimes, if your poops are too big, you have to do a little extra work to make them, uhm, go away. I think the best way to handle this situation is to fucking remain fucking calm. Stop the poop water from pouring out into the cat litter, cuss as you hurry to kick the rugs out of the way, yell at the cat who is trying to help, and cuss some more.

When the calm of the storm finally arrives, I like to sing this song at the top of my lungs...

While plunging the toilet with this...

...in a manic, crazy kinda way. Bonus points for leaving the door open and smiling in a manic 'I really enjoy this' fashion. Extra bonus points for holding it, dripping poop water, at someones neck when they ask if you need any help.

I'm Not Loving It.

A few days ago, I got really REALLY pissed at Time Warner (because they are a rude, blood sucking, monopoly with stupid employees with bad attitudes), and canceled our service.

Direct TV is awesome.

We are still waiting on our new Verizon powered internet.

I tried to hook up my computer to a human-size hamster wheel, a phone jack, and a candle, but it didn't make internet. So I wait.

I am at a McDonald's right now for McWiFi. I have witnessed 3 fights involving the same drunk homeless man, the cops coming, an employee who shit in the bathroom for 42 minutes while the security man beat on the door (he thought he died) and a long line of angry customer formed, a gang of teenagers knock things over, and lots of questionable characters eating the Fish Filet special. I think they are only playing Taylor Swift and John Mayer songs.

This is what it must have been like in the old days!

A Fool for this Bag!

My dream bag in the Chanel classic 2.55. Large, double flap, gold hardware, please.

And I want it made out of beef jerky.

APRIL FOOLS, SUCKERS!!

I want it filled with beef jerky! Made of lamb.

Tuppence.

Do you take sacagaweas?

Giving the Finger

Some people tie a string around their finger when they want to remember something. I hold one of my fingers hostage.

The Real World: Winnie the Pooh

You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you.

You have to go to them sometimes.

~Winnie the Pooh

No. More. Winter!

A FUCK SNOW GLOBE.

Unicorn Magic!

Today was BEAUTIFUL! Spring is starting to sprung! And as you know, year after year the warm breeze of spring rides in on unicorn drawn chariots. No other creature can produce the warmth, color, and magic of spring like the majestic unicorn.

Unicorns blood is made of rainbows. Seriously. And they shit glitter. And cry whiskey. See:

Eating unicorn meat is thought to give you super powers, but actually, it kills you. Unless of course, that specific unicorn has given you permission to eat it. Then you will never die, become immune to carbs, and shit glitter.

One of my favorite breeds of unicorn is the elusive Unicone. Sadly, Mr. Tastee commissioned poachers have damn near killed them all! They usually remain invisible to humans and have developed laser death rays that shoot out of their eyes.

The most common unicorn in the FuckUnicorn. I actually own a teacup version of this breed. I carry it around with me in a little pink bag meant for small dogs.

THANK YOUNICORNS FOR SPRING!!

Nanny By Day...

I babysit an adorable little red-headed sass machine. I started working with her when she was 5. Now she's 11! Whoa! She's like my own! What used to be titty tats (she couldn't say her 'k's) and coloring is now, 'How old are you when you have sex' and 'So... tampons. Where do they go?'

When I am not a Nanny, I am in a filthy dirty doo-wop band, tart clients up with hair and make-up, make sailors blush with my colorful explicatives, shoot whiskey like a pro, and often times perform in plays/films with questionable content.

Occasionally, Red has come along with me into my other life. She has sat backstage and pretended not to hear what is being said on the other side of the dressing room wall, she has met my weirdo friends, she has seen my perverse home decorating, and she was even there for part of the recording of the Cudzoo album. Sometimes she says 'ass' and 'hell', 'because they are in the Bible, so they aren't so bad', she explained.

Basically, she's the coolest and she has the coolest babysitter in the world, and gets to do super cool (mildly inappropriate) things that make her friends jealous. I even encourage her to get in a little trouble now and then as long as she understands that she has to suffer the consequences if she gets caught.

I hope she looks back on our time together one day and says, 'What the fuck were my parents thinking?!'

I love you, little soulmate!

Where Are They Now? Skeletor v. He-Man

It was clear at a very early age that Skeletor was predestined to be He-Man's arch-enemy and main antagonist in the Masters of the Universe franchise. Skeletot was a finicky baby with a taste for kittens and dark magic.

Try as he might, even with the force of all that is evil behind him, he was never able to defeat He-Man, learn the ancient secrets of Castle Greyskull, and rule Eternia. Thusly, he took to figure modeling for college art class electives and turning the occasional trick. His clients never complained (due to his mystical powers and muscular blue humanoid form, one can assume) and he earned the moniker Skelewhore.

In his spare time, he can still be found roaming the streets, with Panthor and his Havoc Staff (not a euphemism), looking for He-Man and hoping to put an end their eternal battle of good versus evil.

Little does he know, He-Man, sporting a clever disguise, has chosen a new direction for his life. How long will this ruse last? Is Prince Adam the new Prince Albert? Is She-Ra chic in this season?

And the battle continues!

CUDZOO TONIGHT!!

Shit's about to get real! I'm on a dollar bill/penny real!

I don't know what that means, but you should come!

Arlene's Grocery @ 10:30

Visual Puns. LOVE!

Pugs Bunny.

I LOVE WHIMSY THINGS!

Watch your back, edamame, you are about to get a-salted!

I will 'tee hee' with joy every single time I get to pop a salty cap in* a delicious meal's ass!

*Real conversation between Sweetheart and me while writing this blog.

Me: Now, do you pop a cap in someone's ass or on someone's ass.

Sweetheart: I pop a cap in yo ass.

Me: So, in? You pop caps in someone's ass?

Sweetheart: Yes. Wait. Why?!

3rd Rock from the Haters

I believed you were a beautiful hunk of man meat from the very beginning. And I've got my freshman year in high school diary to prove it! Do you want to be my boyfriend?

10 Things I Hate About You:

1. You are short.

2. I got caught polishing the pearl at least twice by my mom because of you.

3. Your name is hard to spell.

4. You kissed Zooey.

5. The tall brassy blonde in your life is Kristen Johnston, not Erin McCarson.

6. You frenched Alex Mack! Jealous!

7. You FRENCHED Alex Mack! Super Jealous.

8. You knew Health Ledger. Alive.

9. I don't have your phone number so we can text playfully throughout the day.

10. ALEX MACK!

I ran into him on the street a while back. Truth be told, he was tiny! But very handsome. Tit level will do just fine. Joseph G-L, you are adorbs!

Super Bowl Redux

Froghole.

How Miss Piggy got a little frog in her throat.

Follow Me.

Wish I had done it.

Trademarks are expensive.

After the accident?