Be Nice To Each Other!

We are all the same on the inside.

Dead Tired!

You're Full of Shit, Psycho!

In honor of Donald Trump, a big old ugly piece of shit...

Sometimes, if your poops are too big, you have to do a little extra work to make them, uhm, go away. I think the best way to handle this situation is to fucking remain fucking calm. Stop the poop water from pouring out into the cat litter, cuss as you hurry to kick the rugs out of the way, yell at the cat who is trying to help, and cuss some more.

When the calm of the storm finally arrives, I like to sing this song at the top of my lungs...

While plunging the toilet with this...

...in a manic, crazy kinda way. Bonus points for leaving the door open and smiling in a manic 'I really enjoy this' fashion. Extra bonus points for holding it, dripping poop water, at someones neck when they ask if you need any help.

Jessie J, I Love You!

Jessie J will be performing at the PCRichard theater in NYC.

I MUST BE THERE!!

You should be there, too! She's so pretty!

A Fool for this Bag!

My dream bag in the Chanel classic 2.55. Large, double flap, gold hardware, please.

And I want it made out of beef jerky.

APRIL FOOLS, SUCKERS!!

I want it filled with beef jerky! Made of lamb.

T-Shit

Tuppence.

Do you take sacagaweas?

The Real World: Winnie the Pooh

You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you.

You have to go to them sometimes.

~Winnie the Pooh

No. More. Winter!

A FUCK SNOW GLOBE.

Unicorn Magic!

Today was BEAUTIFUL! Spring is starting to sprung! And as you know, year after year the warm breeze of spring rides in on unicorn drawn chariots. No other creature can produce the warmth, color, and magic of spring like the majestic unicorn.

Unicorns blood is made of rainbows. Seriously. And they shit glitter. And cry whiskey. See:

Eating unicorn meat is thought to give you super powers, but actually, it kills you. Unless of course, that specific unicorn has given you permission to eat it. Then you will never die, become immune to carbs, and shit glitter.

One of my favorite breeds of unicorn is the elusive Unicone. Sadly, Mr. Tastee commissioned poachers have damn near killed them all! They usually remain invisible to humans and have developed laser death rays that shoot out of their eyes.

The most common unicorn in the FuckUnicorn. I actually own a teacup version of this breed. I carry it around with me in a little pink bag meant for small dogs.

THANK YOUNICORNS FOR SPRING!!

OH SNAP!

From the couch... to the fireplace... to the chair... toss down a pillow bridge...

Oh shit, YOU'RE ON FIRE! GET! OFF!

Lava floor is the best.

ERIN GO BRA-LESS!

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!

When I was a wee lass, I lived in Letterkenny, Ireland. My Dad's company sent him there, so Mom and I went, too. We set up house in Letterkenny and traveled all over Europe. They were filming National Lampoon's European Vacation when we were at the Eiffel Tower and we got a script. Chevy Chase thought I was super cute! Duh! I was very young, so I don't remember a lot. Specific memories include, things being green, sheep, picking up a rock at a castle, and getting sick. And I have snapshot memories of having a birthday party over there with all my Irish friends and getting a Bosco the Clown. As I was very young, I also picked up a bit of a brogue that quickly turned southern drawl upon returning to the states. I would be at least 38% more awesome if I still rocked the Lucky Charms accent. Bummer.

I will make it back one day. I mean, come on, Erin McCirish! It's so beautiful. And true to memory, green.

And this time I will be old enough to drink at ye olde pub. Well, legally.

Wear Green!!

If You Like It Then You Shoulda Put Your Finger In It!

I am looking into finger adding surgery so I can have all of these and wear them all at once with proper spacing to allow the viewer to appreciate each ring. I mean, I don't want to look gaudy!

So I can always find my way around the city, the Gotham ring. I will wear with my Batman earrings. Because that's adorable.

The I Want To Shoot You Dead ring. Makes any finger the fuck you finger!

The Sharpener On-The-Go ring. It says, 'I'm an architect' or 'I'm a student' or 'I write in library books in a responsible way' or 'I'm prepared for anything' or, in my case, 'I appreciate a good sharp tip on my eyebrow pencil.'

The Gas Mask ring. Let people know YOUR FINGER will survive WWIII, the zombie apocalypse, otherworldly intelligent beings dominating our planet, nuclear winters, and nights when your partner's farts smell like warm cat food, boiled eggs, and French's fried onions mixed together and shit back out in the form of acidic gag air poofs.

And my favorite, the Heroin Really Is Chic SyRINGe. This and a naughty nurse outfit are enough to make me consider the Florence Nightingale path. Many people become doctors to help others, I want to be a doctor for the cheeky jewelry and funny death goofs.

Ring ding dong. Ring a ding ding ding dong. I want these.

I Seek Amy!

I have a friend. Her name is Amy. Not only does she always know what song is playing in my head, but, also, she is dark. Real dark! Sick and twisted scary dark. And I LOVE IT! She is one of the few people I know who are willing to go ahead and go there. It doesn't matter who's watching or who is in the way, she is confident that they will move or happily suffer the consequences. Basically, I'm glad she's on my side, cause she will wreck you.

How did she put it? Perversion with a touch of class.

Other than myself, she is also the only other person I can think of who would wear these pieces of jewelry and think they are hilarious. Maybe we should get matching ones! Like really fucked up friendship bracelets, proudly announcing our need for attention. Yeah, I saw The Craft (like a bazillion times), I know which direction is cry for help and which way means business.

Yay! Needy Friends Forever!

Zombie Apocalypse Hat

Tonight, Sweetheart and I were rounding up our choice army in case of a zombie apocalypse. We were surprised at who did and did not make the cut. Did you? Well, we can't tell you until Z-day, but until then, you can start crocheting your official Team Super Survive headgear. Not only will it help prevent potential brain damage due to contusions (I'm fitting mine over my bicycle helmet), but it will also confuse zombies and remind your fellow team members that a zombie apocalypse is no time to lose your sense of humor!

Shoe Fly, that Shoe is FLY!

'Mama always says there's an awful lot you could tell about a person by their shoes. Where they're going. Where they've been.'

Well, Forrest, let's take a look:

Flipettos. The shoe biproduct of Cinderella and Ariel's adopted daughter who has an affinity for Barbie. My two Mommies practical lesbian wear never looked so stylish!

Shoes for deaf bitches.

The costume designer's solution to the ruby slippers at GDub's all male high school production of The Wiz of Oz. Bitch gotta be able to run, that shit is in the Heights! They shoot you there. There's no place like homo!

Actually, I want these. All of them.

Mogwai Muff

Mogwai's are cute furry little balls of curiosity, loving and kind. Furby before Furby. Think alien kittens. I wish, I wish I could wear one around my waist...

POOF!

The Mogwai skirt.

When wearing this skirt, there are rules to be followed. The outcome of breaking a rule is unclear, but I have included the most likely possibilities.

1. Stay out of sunlight or you will die. Or your skirt will spontaneously combust leaving you em-BARE-ASSED!

2. Do NOT get wet! If you do, you will develop huge boils on your bottom that will either produce more Mogwai skirts or more ass. I am unclear as to what sort of 'wet' this implies.

3. Do NOT eat after midnight. If you consume foods after midnight, your skirt will become a hideous green bridesmaidesque monstrosity that you can never take off or you will become a demon reptile creature with large ears and a mean-spirited disposition. As a child of the 80's, your id will become terrified of yourself, requiring you to never get out of bed again and eat lots of fried chicken. Then you will be a fat demon reptile creature with large ears and a mean-spirited disposition. No one will ever love you. Sorry.

Otherwise, enjoy being the belle of any ball in your Mogwai bottom half!

Big Mac

Cause, see, my name is McCarson. Big Mac. No? Ok.

I have been coveting this dress for weeks. I have the picture, among other things I covet, saved on my desktop. Today, my dear friend Mametastic posted it on my facebook and said we needed them. I take this as a sign from the Universe (and Mametastic) that I do indeed need this dress. Sans the sesame seeds (they would murder Mudder) and maybe the veggies and cheese switched, so I have an adorable lettuce/tomato/onion tutu. I want it my way. That's why they call me Big Mac! (No one calls me that.)

BABE-ushka!

My Mummy Dearest collects nesting dolls. I don't know if she meant to. She got one in Europe when we used to live there. I remember playing with it when I was younger and liking it a lot. So, one Christmas, I got her a nesting doll. And the next Christmas, another. So on and so forth... And she started buying nesting dolls that were unusual. And Brotherbear began giving them to her, too. Now she has lots of beautiful unique nesting dolls. Even one I made of our family. Daisy (dog) in Brotherbear in me in Mummy in Father. I read or heard somewhere or made up that 'people collect things so you know what to get them for gifts.' Good enough reason for me! I collect lots of weird things, and I do like getting presents. Cause and effect, good reader. Cause and effect!

I worry she may acquire too many. We are under 20 and well below hoarder red flags, but still. Or that she didn't mean to have this collection. She's just too nice to say anything. Maybe next year I will think outside of the box and give her something more practical... her very own babushka nesting dress!

PREACH.

I'm in on of those slumps where I can't catch a break. Murphy's Law to the MAX! So much so that I have been avoiding crossing the road and using sharp objects, as I am certain they will lead to an unpleasant, embarrassing, painful end. Something so absurd and unheard of, that it will be on the news. I fucking hate the news. Universe, I'm saying it out loud: you, me, and everyone we know needs to take mutha fuckin CHILL PILL!