Laundry Day.

A Fool for this Bag!

My dream bag in the Chanel classic 2.55. Large, double flap, gold hardware, please.

And I want it made out of beef jerky.

APRIL FOOLS, SUCKERS!!

I want it filled with beef jerky! Made of lamb.

I LOVE WHIMSY THINGS!

Watch your back, edamame, you are about to get a-salted!

I will 'tee hee' with joy every single time I get to pop a salty cap in* a delicious meal's ass!

*Real conversation between Sweetheart and me while writing this blog.

Me: Now, do you pop a cap in someone's ass or on someone's ass.

Sweetheart: I pop a cap in yo ass.

Me: So, in? You pop caps in someone's ass?

Sweetheart: Yes. Wait. Why?!

Meta Fashion.

I got a new Betsey Johnson. See, it's a Marilyn dress with Marilyn all over it. I'm in LOVE!

Subway grates, consider yourselves warned.

Lady's Who Tea.

Tea, scones, and clotted cream with my favorite ladybirds at Tea and Sympathy. This is love!

Smarty Pants.

Tickle My Digits.

I got a new phone.

From Santa.

A smart phone.

It confuses me a great deal.

Is there an app for that?

I can't feel my fingers.

Poverty breeds creativity. I'm crafting up a Christmas present storm! I've burned off all my fingertips and cut a chunk out of my finger. Shit is serious. Seriously crafty!

I cherish these moments. I can't wait to see it.

I Pick You!

My Brother Bear wants this. I gotta say, it is pretty nifty. You can make your very own highfalutin guitar picks. This would significantly reduce my Christmas shopping list!

I Thought Love Don't Cost a Thing!

Stop wasting my time
You know what I want
You know what I need
Or maybe you don't

Do I have to come right flat out and tell you everything?
Gimme some money

Nine Nine Doing Fine

Cleanse day 9 has begun.

It's not so bad anymore. Almost makes sense to do it for longer. Almost. I miss food, but I'm not hungry too often. I hate maple syrup. And I have stopped needing sleep. Last night I slept two hours. Got up in hopes of being able to sleep tonight. See, I am styling/child wrangling a Crayola commercial today. On set at 7am. Wrap around 8pm. I had really hoped to tuck in early.

Hell to the No!

I was kicking ass at the gym til 10:30! Well, kicking ass at a moderate pace, anyway.

Before gym, I shopped til I had hoped to drop with Sweetheart. He starts his fancy new Wall Street job today and we had to get him 9-5ed out. How handsome is he in his sensible slacks and button ups?!?! Boiler Room's not my go to porn for nothing!

Taking a pain killer after over a week of cleansing is fantastic. I didn't really consider the outcome, I just hoped it would ease my wrestling in the pool sore muscles and escort me off to dreamland. My soreness is eased, but dreamland is more like manic-upswing-I-better-plan-my-entire-future-tonight-and-blog-and-stuff-land.

The kitties are purring beside me. They are happy I'm awake. Crossing all my fingers and toes for super slumber after the film shoot. Or I'll just go to the gym and stay up all night prioritizing life goals some more. As 'cleanse euphoric' as I am, I still can't make myself clean the apartment or reorganize or other important things. But I sure will do three months worth of MENSA Bathroom Calendar problems at six in the morning!

Also, I have my first nephew. His name is Miles and he is a three month old mastiff-mix. Brother Bear saved him from the pound. He is white with blond accent, just like his auntie. At three months, he is already the size of a full grown boxer dog. At six months, the vet predicted he would be the size of an adult lab. Who's the biggest baby bear unicorn dog in the world?! Although I won't meet him until I visit North Carolina again, I love him too much already!

Half Cleansed / Plumber Bummer

It's day 5 of the Master Cleanse. I'm hungry. And bored to tears of lemon maple death juice. And having a hard time keeping up with the amount of toilet paper needed when you salt water flush and drink poop tea every day! It's a lot.

Making matters worse, Friday morning, our toilet just stopped flushing. I called Landlord Guido Gus at 9:15am. He said he would be there to fix it by 5. Around 4:30, I began calling again. I called and texted over and over again. Roommate called and texted multiple times. Sweetheart called from 3 different numbers at work. He did not answer. Around 7, I began looking up plumbers.

9ish pm, Sweats McStinky from RotoRooter shows up. Ours estimate, $200 + parts, which should be $30-$60. We need a toilet, so yes! After Sweats McStinky disassembles our industrial tankless toilet, he realizes he doesn't have the right parts after all, and will need to go find them Saturday morning. Our toilet has a special brand that is hard to find and not compatible with other brands. This will cost more. Around $400.

He leaves, I salt water flush and push down my hard work by dumping trashcans full of water in the toilet. It is really something else.

FYI: pouring a bucket of water in a toilet with a broken flusher makes it flush.

Saturday, I was on set filming a movie, and roommate was busy, so we couldn't be home during the day. Luckily, Sweats McStinky works until midnight. Sweats McStinky came back about 10pm Saturday night. He ended up just buying a whole new section of toilet piping. He took a very long time, made a huge horrible mess (that he didn't clean up), smelled funny, was a little creepy, and sweated a lot (reminiscent of Brother Bear's roommate, Dirty Gnome). Then gave us our bill of over $700. That is very different from his estimate. It takes a shitbox to fix the shitter, I guess.

He left, I salt water flushed and made mess some more, and all is back to normal. We are just going to deduct our bill from rent and assume that's OK. We reported the problem, it's not our fault Landlord Guido Gus never showed up (and we still haven't heard from him). How long can you expect a household to survive without a working toilet?! I hope we don't have to go on Judge Judy!

This makes me less hungry.

Capitalism Is What People Do If You Leave Them Alone

Found: Mint Green Patent Sandals for $9.99...

But ended up being $5, as I bought another pair, making this pair half off. Well worth $5, except for the awkward low toe strap. It was tight, not very stylish, and reminded me of my strappy high school awards banquet* shoes. No thank you!

I imagined a better shoe...

I am 37% sure this is gonna work. That's pretty good odds for $5...

Make strap mustache to postpone outcome...

Just as I suspected, cute as a button! My right foot is modeling said full priced pair. LOVE IT!

Also acquired this week...

PINK DINOSAUR EARRINGS! Kate convinced me I needed them. She picked out some Chocolate Covered Doughnuts with Sprinkles earrings for herself.

Also, a fedora, a flower to put on my fedora, and a giant bow. For life and CUDZOO.

I love being a spendthrift every now and again. I don't know how I would have survived without these treasures! They are inexpensive, Erinesque, and able to inspire happiness. Bless retail therapy!

*Specifically, the white shoes I wore to the Athletic Awards Banquet my senior year, where I was awarded Scholastic Athlete of the Year, one of the most prestigious awards. Let that be a lesson to all you high school kids out there who cheat on your Spanish tests and are moderately coordinated! You, too, can get a placard with your name on it.